I've Made Up My Mind, I Ain't Wastin' No More Time...

Well, I did it. No more city life...no more 450sq ft of heaven...no more deep dish pizza. I have officially closed the chapter that is Chicago. (Or if I were writing a novel based on my life, I would aptly name it "Hot Child in the City") Over the past month in preparation of this move, I experienced mixed emotions. Part of me was excited and overjoyed...another part was scared and down right sad. But isn't that life though? We're always going to be faced with big decisions...and not all of them are going to be black and white or without some drawbacks.

This decision I was faced with wasn't just a matter of "Chicago vs Boyfriend"...there were so many things that went along with it. Not only would I be giving up my favorite city, but I would also be giving up my job, my health care, my free car/gas, my friends, and this life that I had spent a year building up from nothing. All of this to move to a city (state, rather) where I have never lived, with no job, no real friends of my own, and to be financially dependant on someone for the first time in my adult(ish) life.

Believe me...I fully understand that this sounds borderline insane in writing, and if someone else were to tell me this, I would probably tell them that they're being an idiot...as my father did several (hundred) times. I get it. But what outweighs all of this is something that cannot be articulated. First of all, I hated my job. I was grateful for it, and I loved the people I worked with...but I hated my job. And let me tell you for those who are lucky enough to not know, waking up every day dreading to go work is something you never want to experience. And it takes a toll on your mind, body, and soul. I want to do something that will help people...that will make a positive difference in this world. And I'll just say...that ain't it.

But mostly, it's because of him. Or actually, the absence of him. For those who know me, it's no secret that I'm an emotional (or overly-emotional) person. I thought I had experienced every feeling that a human being could possibly endure. But over the past year I felt something that I had never felt before...longing. I don't know any other way to describe it except that it feels like a part of you is missing. I'm not exaggerating when I say that my heart would physically hurt at times when I thought of him. It was as though we were tethered together, and the growing distance between us put a strain on my heart. Those feelings alone silenced any doubts I may have had about the decision I had made.

And although I had a majority of support from my amazing friends and family, there were a few that were completely disappointed with my choice. I spent weeks trying to explain myself and justify to them why I was doing the right thing. Then it hit me...I've preached several times (via blog and otherwise) that you have to live your life the way you want to live it. No excuses or justifications needed. I finally said, "I could tell you a hundred reasons why I'm doing this, but ultimately...it's just because I want to." And really...are any other reasons necessary?? Didn't think so.

So here I am...in the guest bedroom of my house in Alabama. Unemployed. Driving my own car with gas that I have to actually pay for. Yes, it's only temporary...but it's still scary, and I know the road ahead isn't going to be easy for a while. And maybe we should have waited. Maybe the timing isn't perfect. But will it really ever be?

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."

I like to equate it to running a marathon --

You train for months, maybe even years for this race. You start off great, but as time goes by you're finding it harder and harder to keep hope that you're ever going to reach the finish line. You have your ups and your downs. Days where you feel on top of the world and days where you just want to give up. But then you find yourself in this dark tunnel...and you finally see it up ahead. It's a ways away, but it's now within sight. Are you going to walk it the rest of the way? Or are you going to muster up all you have left and sprint towards that light? I chose to run like hell.

I heard a quote many years ago, and honestly...I always thought it was dumb. But I now realize that it was only because I had just never felt that way before. And now I empathize with it more than ever --

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." ~ When Harry Met Sally

So yes, I've given up a lot. I've had to make sacrifices. But I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't absolutely sure that I am gaining so incredibly much more. I am more than ready to begin this beautiful new chapter and build an amazing life with the love of my life. We may not have much, but at least we'll have each other...and that's more than enough for me.

"Even after all these years, We've just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time..."

"Dear John"

My Beloved --

For many years, I loved you from afar. We only met a few times, but I felt this instant connection to you. You were exciting...exhilarating, really...so full of life and adventure. You may not believe me, but I swear...it was love at first sight. And I couldn't wait to get to know you better.

Then I received the phone call that would change my life forever. I immediately fell into a whirlwind of emotions: excitement, anxiety, joy, fear, confusion. So many thoughts raced through my mind: "What if I'm not ready for this?" ... "What if I fail?" ... "What if it's not everything I thought it would be?" But it was...and you were.

So there I was, in this new world. Alone, but somehow not. You always had a strange way of making me feel at home...safe. I was scared and timid in the beginning, as in any new relationship, I suppose. Slightly awkward and unknowing. But I decided to put my fears aside and jump in with both feet. And even so, I still found myself struggling to find my place in this new life we had begun to create together. But you were patient with me.

And during our time together, we shared some incredible experiences and memories that I will cherish always. Even more than that, you gifted me some of the most beautiful people I only hope to call friends for years to come. You laughed with me...cried with me. You gave me things that no one else could ever give me...then, now, or ever. But sadly, not all relationships are meant to last forever.

For you see, in the midst our incredible year together, I fell in love...a deeper love that I have never before known. Believe me, it was nothing that I was seeking...far from it, in fact. And perhaps that is why it took hold of me so. As you can imagine, this caused me great confusion and turmoil. How could one person love two things so much, yet so differently?? I found myself at another crossroad...maybe the biggest one yet. I had a decision to make...maybe the hardest one yet. But I had to choose...and I choose him.

You presented me with so many amazing opportunities. You opened my eyes to so many things about the world...and people...and life...and mostly, myself. You showed me that I was tougher, smarter, stronger, and more open than I ever thought I could be. And for that, I will be eternally grateful to you. But I know in my heart that this not where I'm meant to be. It was nothing you did...this is only a chapter in the novel that is my life. But it will always be one of my favorite, most beautiful chapters. I only hope that you can understand...although I'm almost sure that you do. I promise to visit you from time to time, and think of you often. For no matter where I am...you, Chicago, will always hold a special place in my heart.

~XoXo~

-- L

'Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.' ~ SATC

So as you can tell by now, a majority of my posts revolve around love, boyfriends (past & current), growing as an individual, etc. And isn't that really what life's all about? The relationships we have and the experiences and memories that those relationships create. I've harped on my past dating experiences and the men in my life, because those relationships have done a lot to shape me into this person I've become (and still becoming). But I have failed to make any mention one of the BIGGEST and most important relationships in my life... the ladies.

This post was actually inspired by a culmination of things I experienced this week. First, I read this article in Marie Claire Magazine called "Do Women Hate Attractive Women?" If you don't have the time to read it, it's basically about this woman (British journalist, Samantha Brick) who wrote an essay stating that women hate any other woman who they find to be attractive based solely on that fact. Now, don't get me wrong...we've all had our Mean Girls experiences in life, but I for one found this article to be slightly absurb (thankfully, Marie Claire agreed...I suppose I'll keep investing in it). I mean, I'm as guilty as the next girl when it comes to having a tinge of jealousy here and there. I envy any gal who can pull off shorts, orange, and a pixie cut (all of which is/would be a massive trainwreck on yours truly, ps). So, envious?? Maybe. But hateful?? C'mon! I think Cameron Diaz had a very valid point when she and JLo were on The Ellen Shown the other day...and that is our society LOVES. DRAMA. Especially when it comes to women. Shows like The Bachelor, Bad Girls Club, The Real World, and any "Housewives" show are proof in and of themselves. It's always women vs women, and usually it's over a stupid boy (yes, Brad Womak & Jake Pavelka, I'm talking about you). And yes we, as women, can be catty at times (some more than others). But through all the media and facebook posts and tweets, it makes it appear as though women on women crime is abundant...and NORMAL. I say NAY!

Oh Lindsay, what the hell happened to you??

But maybe it's because I'm spoiled. For example, earlier this week I posted a random picture of myself --

It was honestly just an attempt at being semi-artsy (and showing off my ballin' little pengy earrings, that I love so dearly). But when I posted it, I couldn't believe all the sweet things people were saying! And guess what...they were ALL women! (well, and the bf, of course...but he's obligated to do such) :o) I mean, it was just a few sweet and simple comments, but after all of this I had just read and saw about women hating women and what have you, it filled my heart with so much joy. And not because of what they were saying (although what girl doesn't like to be told they're pretty??), but because of the act itself. These women didn't have to say anything, much less the super kind words that were expressed. The joy that I felt came from knowing that I am SO blessed to be surrounded by such kind, strong, loyal, and overall supportive females. My closest friends have been there to help celebrate my victories and hold my hand through my darkest days. Told me what I needed to hear...not just what I wanted to hear. From care packages and awesome post-breakup mixed CDs to random, silly gifts or a card "just because"...these women in my life have done more to help mold me into who I am today and what I aspire to be as a friend, a sister, a human being. They have taught me patience, loyalty, and that lipstick really is my friend. I normally don't go around naming names, but because of the tremendous daily impact that these ladies have on me and my world, I feel it's the least I can do to acknowledge them by name: KT Lou, Raysh, Dibbs, Ash, JenJen, Stephy. Granted, I have had numerous other great women throughout my life, and although their role may have been a small one or short, it still leaves that lasting feeling that sisterhood and girl power really do exist. And if the women in your life don't make you feel the same way, then maybe you need to heed this advice from Marie Claire: "Most women are kind and empathetic, supportive and sustaining. . .Perhaps the fault, dear Samantha, is not in your face, but in your friends."

sis·ter·hood (sis ter hu̇d) n. - the solidarity of women based on shared conditions, experiences, or concerns.



These chickas were really on to something...and it wasn't platform boots or adult pigtails.

And now that we know this to be true, ladies...let me challenge you to this --

1) Pay a daily compliment to a fellow female. Whether it's your BFFL or a stranger in Target, if you're loving her new hairstyle or pining over that fab Coach purse she's sporting, TELL HER. Every girl deserves to feel pretty every day, right?

2) Tone down the cattiness (I would say "eliminate", but we're all human here). When you feel yourself about to go on a rant over some chick (for whatever reason), stop and think about it for a sec and why you're really upset. Did you have a bad day at work? Did you scuff your new J.Simps? (<~~~story of my life) Chances are you maaay not be so upset with this girl as you think you are. So next time you get a little worked up and start to say something fussy, stop. Take a breath. And think, "Am I really mad at her, or am I just projecting?"

3) Tell the ladies in your life what they mean to you. Really, you should let everyone in your life that you care about know how much you appreciate them...but especially the women. This is something I'm making my own personal mission. We tell our boyfriends how much we care about them daily (I mean, mine does deserve it). But how often are we telling our besties (without testes) how kick-ass we think they are? Not enough, I'm sure. So whether it's a short and sweet tweet or mailing them a little something that reminded you of them, let the ladies in your life know that you're thankful for them.

Remember that dispite our differences, we are all women. We all have strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and struggles. So instead of focusing on the negative, let's do our part to uplift and support each other and hopefully set an example for the next generation of our daughters, and that is what true sisterhood is. So cheers to you, my fabulous friends! :o) And don't ever forget. . .

A Rolling Stone's Resume

I counted the other day...in the past 8 years I have had 5 boyfriends, 6 jobs, 8 combo of hair colors/cuts, and moved 10 times. (I know...it even shocked me a little saying it out loud) Some may describe that as "indecisive" or "unstable". I like to think of it as being "adventurous" or "a rolling stone", if you will. Needless to say, I don't like things stagnant. And what's wrong with that?? Isn't that what they keep telling us our 20s are for? "Go out there...try different careers...go back to school, if you want...move 1,000 miles away then move back again...you should try going back to blonde..." (no worries...that last one will NEVER happen). They tell us this, because it is the prime of our lives. It's our time to figure out what we want and don't want...what we need and don't need...what relationships should be cherished and who needs to get the "de-friend" button. For some people, all of these options can be overwhelming, confusing, and even terrifying. But for some of us, this whirlwind that we call our 20s can pick you up, throw you around, and drop you at exactly where you need to be.

I've been spending a lot of time lately revamping my resume. I've even been looking into going back to school to get my masters (eeek!). But through the hours I've spent having to reflect back on past jobs and experiences within those jobs, of course there were the good (Best Buy), the bad (the cleaners), and the uuugly (Goody's...lord, help me). But even in those jobs that I hated and kept thinking to myself, "I'd rather be homeless than do this job another day" (and I really meant it some days), through building my resume, I was forced to dig deep and recognize positive things that I learned or gained from my experiences within those jobs: patience, communication, team work, organization, critical thinking, patience (I know I said this one already, but in working with the general public for so many years, I thought it deserved a repeat). I've had good bosses and terrible ones. Awesome coworkers and a-holes. Amazing experiences and down right shitty ones. But the lesson I've taken away from this the most: <insert another "Ah HA!" moment> . . . you cannot FULLY appreciate the good without the bad...and every moment in your life (again, good or bad) is guiding you to your final destination. Example: If I had never been fired from Best Buy, I would have never gotten my job at the law office (that I loved so much). If I had never gotten that job at the law office, I might have applied to law school (still not regretting that). If I had gotten any of the hundreds of jobs I applied for in my final semester of college, I would have never gotten a job with my current company. And if I had never gotten a job with my current company, I may not have ever had the opportunity to move to the most amazing city in the country (Chicago, duh). So see...I won't say that "everything happens for a reason", but...it kinda does.

Same thing goes for relationships. For those who know me, I've dated a little here and there (ahem). Some lasting 2-3 years...some lasting 2-3 weeks. And just like with the jobs I've had, some were dreamy, and some were a f***ing nightmare. And I use to resent the bad ones and hold a bitterness in my heart for them. But as I've gotten older and wiser (or just more mature maybe), I've come to appreciate the good and the bad relationships I've had. As most of you know, I like to relate a lot of experiences in my life to quotes and/or songs (you just have to accept it...I just can't help myself). I just feel that sometimes in my life I can't quite articulate what I'm feeling...then I turn on the radio, and BAM! There it is...my exact thoughts thrown back in my face in the form of a lovely little tune. As far as the not-so-pretty relationships I've had, these 2 songs immediately come to mind (and I just so happen to have heard them both on my way home from work today): *Names have been changed to protect the douchey-ness.

The WOW'er Catastrophy -- The GD Devil



And as bad as these two situations were (or ended up being), I think, no...I know I learned the most from them. About life...about men...and more importantly, about myself. I learned the difference between compromising and settling...space and distance. I discovered what my limits were and what they should be. I mean, I don't plan on sending any of them a Hallmark card or anything, but I am thankful nonetheless. We've all been fired, dumped, stabbed in the back, and effed over a time or two. But again, jobs, living situations, relationships, life in general...it's all a learning experience that you can grow and move forward from, and (in most cases) come out a stronger, better version of your former self. I know I did.

You know, I use to be ashamed of my "rolling stone" status and (by some people's definition) lengthy relationship "resume", but no more. I may not have made all of the best decisions I could have, or hell, even somewhat smart ones. But we learn best from mistakes...from failures...from the misses. Sometimes we need to get knocked down to see just how high we can rise. You can choose to mourn the bad times and hold bitterness in your heart. But I...I have chosen to use those dark times for good. It snapped me back to reality just in time to realize what an amazing thing I had in my life all along. For you see, had I not known what it was like to be hurt, to not be trusted, to be cheated on, and emotionally beaten down...I wouldn't have been able to truly appreciate the relationship that I have now. A relationship full of trust, and respect, and thoughtfulness...of actual, authentic love.

Now I'm just "rolling" home into my lover's arms... :o)

So, in conclusion, join me in raising a glass and toasting not only the great moments and people in our lives, but also those that were not-so-great...because they have all done their part to shape us into the kick-ass people that we've become. Sooo...

CHEERS TO YOU, A**HOLES! :o)



2011: The Year of "Me" and Lessons Learned

Well, it finally arrived...2012. Most people over the past few weeks have been writing their reflections of the past year and resolutions for the year to come. And I feel in most of the ones I have read, they talk about how glad they are that 2011 is over and hoping 2012 is kinder to them. I've been fortunate enough to reflect back on most of my previous years around this time and think, "Wow...I had a pretty darn good year." And 2011 was certainly no exception...

My New Years last year, although spent with some amazing people, started off pretty shaky. I had just gotten out of a year and a half relationship that lasted about 6 months too long. For the first time ever, I found myself with the countdown slowly ticking away to the start of 2011...and I had no one to kiss. (And for those of you who know me, a boyfriendless Lisa is a very rare thing.) I was forced in that moment to ring in the New Year not as "us" or "we" or "Lisa & ___", but as "Lisa". It was bizarre...and terrifying. And little did I know that very instant would set the tone for the year to follow...

2011: The Year of "Me"

After reluctantly welcoming 2011, I immediately moved in with my best friend, Dibbs. And after the year long not-so-pleasant living situation of 2010 I had just experienced, I was needless to say extremely excited about my new arrangements. And boy did it live up to my expectations. Even though we lived together, worked together, and played together...it was always fun. Even our car rides to work and back were filled with "GLEEfulness" and laughing til we cried. Within a month, I felt like I was my old self again...but a new, better, more free, and all around happier version. Within the first 6 months of 2011, I made some of the best memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I went out almost every weekend, I dated, I took random road trips...(let's just saw I worked the single status like it was my job). I was getting to enjoy things in a whole new way, and I was loving every second of it. And just as I was getting use to this new aspect of life known as "singleness", another new opportunity was thrown my way...Chicago.

It was something I had always wanted, always dreamed of...but was it the right time? I mean, here I am in a great living situation, good job, amazing friends, and having the time of my life. Did I really want to risk all of that and move to a city that, although I loved, was full of so many uncertainties?? I knew practically no one, the job was so different, and I had never lived more than an hour and a half from where I was born. Yes, I had mastered the single life, but this was something much bigger than that. What if I couldn't cut it? What if I got there and didn't love it anymore? What if I get buried in snow on Lake Shore Drive?! (Hey, did you guys see the stories about the February 2011 Blizzard?? It's a legit fear.) I toiled over the idea for days, until I had a conversation with my mother (who btw, it a super wise lady). She said, "Honey, look...this is something you've always wanted. This is your dream. You're young. Do it now. You can always come back. But if you don't go now, you may never do it...and wouldn't that be something that would always weigh on your heart? It's ok to be selfish...that's what your 20's are for." She was absolutely right. So, I did...I did it for me.


I have now been a Chicagoan for 6 months (wow...6 months), and I have probably learned more about myself in this 6 months then I have in the past 24 years of my life. Although I've met some pretty fabulous people since I've arrived in the Windy City, I've spent much of the time here alone. And as slightly depressing as that may sound (and felt, some days)...I needed it. I've gone to movies and restaurants by myself. I've hopped on a train after midnight to meet friends at a bar. I've spent a whole day exploring the city all on my own. The mere idea of some of these things would've been horrifying to the "old Lisa"...but not me. I've embraced it...and I feel so much more independent and self-sufficient and, honestly, more grown-up. I feel like I'm finally starting to get to know the "real Lisa" and the kind of person she's still working every day to become...and I kind of like her. :o)

Lessons Learned:

As I said earlier, I've learned so much about myself over the past year...in work, friendships, love, and life in general. I have met so many different people and gained such a greater perspective on the world. So I thought I would share a little bit of "wisdom" I've harvested through my 2011 experiences --

1) A kind word goes a long way. Being a stranger in a big new city, I know this all too well. From the barrista at Starbucks around the corner offering a list of restaurants I should try to a random girl on the L commenting on how much she loves my shoes. Something as simple as that can change your whole mood and put a little pep in your step. So be kind, even to strangers. You never know if a little compliment you give may make someone else's day. (Plus, it's just good karma)

2) Enjoy your "Me Time". Like I said, I've had to do a lot of things solo since I've been here. But I surprisingly like it...especially going to movies. I really feel that you appreciate things more sometimes when you don't have the distraction of having to interact with others...and you can just take it all in yourself. Read a book. Take a bubble bath...with candles and music. (I've heard rumors that when you get married and have babies and such this stuff is practically non-existent...so seriously...enjoy it).

3) Know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em. I'm talking about relationships. I'm a hoarder by nature (working on it), in all aspects of my life...but especially when it comes to people. I don't know if it's because I feel as though I'm "burning bridges" or afraid of hurting someone's feelings or what...but I've realized that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Some people will only be childhood friends...high school friends...college friends...etc. And that's ok. People come in and out of our lives for a reason. I've had a few people in my life recently that I at one point considered to be one of my closest friends...and now we barely even speak. But instead of dwelling on the fact that the friendship isn't what it was anymore or trying to rekindle the relationship, I've decided to think back on some of my fondest memories with those people and think about what those relationships taught me...and I silently thank them for it. So do some friend pruning, whether it be Facebook, Twitter, your phone contacts, etc. You have to let go of the past in order to make room for the future.

4) It's not about where you are, but who you're with that really matters. Ok, so yes this is slightly cliche, but I have definitely found the truth in this little saying. As much as I love this city (and believe me...I do), there have been so many times where I've been out and thought, "Oh Dibble would love this... Jen would think that's hilarious... I really wish I had my KatieLou with me..."And when I've been fortunate enough to have my friends come visit me, everything about this fabulous city is amplified by 1,000. Something as mundane as riding on the L turns into an inside joke that we'll laugh about for years to come. Being in an amazing city is fantastic...but most of the time it's the people you're with that make those awesome memories...not a beautiful skyline or a super chic bar.

5) ...But I know, a change is gonna come. We are human...and because of this, we will try to plan out every aspect of our lives. Now having goals and dreams and aspirations I feel are essential in life. But I myself have fallen victim to feeling that if I were to change my mind about something, whether it be a career path or location or relationships, it would be seen as "failing" in a sense. As if people would say, "Oh, she obviously couldn't cut it, so she had to change directions..." Then this year I realized two things: 1) "Failing" and "changing your mind" are two totally different things. 2) When did I ever start giving an f about what other people think? We are going to change. It's inevitable. If you refuse to allow yourself the freedom to change and evolve, you're limiting yourself to that little "box" that you will ultimately suffocate and die inside of. (I mean that figuratively, not literally). If you want to move to a big new city (let's say, hypothetically, Chicago) and then after three months of living there decide that you want to move to New Orleans to be with the love of your life (again, hypothetically speaking)...then do it. As we get older, our perspectives, likes/dislikes, and priorities are going to change. They're suppose to...let them. Don't let the fear of the unfamiliar and unknown paralyze you. Dream Big. Take chances. Defy gravity. And most importantly...follow your heart.

So here's to you, 2011...new experiences, new cities, new priorities, new me. And to you, 2012...a year full of kindness, good friends, self-improvement, and taking chances. May we never stop loving, growing, and learning. Cheers!

"What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail? ...Now go do it." ~ New Year's Eve

An "AH HA!" Moment -- 25 Years In The Making

25. I keep saying it to myself over and over again. Usually it's followed by questions such as: "How did I get here?"..."How did time fly so quickly?" People refer to it as a "milestone birthday". I suppose this is accurate. 25 is suppose to be that point in your life where you're really starting to figure it all out...your career path, your love life, or really just life in general. You've lived a little...experienced the good, the bad, and the worse. You've had relationships that have changed you for the better and some that have left you scarred. You're finally getting a grasp on what you want, or maybe more so what you don't want. But for me personally...what I've learned more about in my 25 years can be summed up with just 1 word...priorities.

You see, I was raised by a strong, independent woman who I have the greatest honor of calling my mother...who was also raised by an equally strong and independent woman, my grandmother. I was brought up to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. Add that to the stubbornness I no doubtedly inherited from my father, and you have a recipe for a young girl who's full of hopes and dreams that will not be deterred by any naysayers.

And I knew at a young age what I ultimately wanted. Sure, I wanted a husband and family some day, but I had much bigger dreams of life in a big city...as most youngens do from little southern towns. I wanted to be bigger than that...better. And thankfully I had the support of my family to help me believe that if I wanted it badly enough and worked hard, I could do it. I've been told in the past that this mentality that I have comes off as somewhat selfish...and maybe it is. My "this is what I want, so I'm going to do it with no apologies" attitude has definitely been the downfall of some of my past relationships. And that, although it hurt, was something I was willing to accept. A sacrifice I was willing to make. Because at that time, what I wanted...me...that was my priority. So when the opportunity finally presented itself to live in my dream city, I jumped on it. I was finally here.

But something was missing. I initially attributed it becoming accustomed to all the changes...the not so familiar area...not knowing that many people...a tinge of homesickness. Don't get me wrong. I love this city, and I don't regret making this change. It was a change that I had wanted...and in a way so desperately needed, and I wouldn't take it back for the world. But there was still a void there...somewhere...but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

My priorities have always usually been in this particular order:

1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Work
5. "Me time"
6. Love life

As you can see, relationships were the last thing on the list. I figured if I had the other five, #6 was practically irrelevant. I had always approached relationships with that age-old cliche of "If it's meant to be, it will be". I figured, "Hey, if God wants me to marry someone, he'll surely drop my future husband into my lap, and that will be that." Maybe this is how I truly felt...or maybe it was just an excuse for why every relationship I ever had didn't work out. "It wasn't perfect...it wasn't easy...so it must not have been meant to be." I realize now just how absolutely ridiculous that notion is.

So in spending some serious time thinking about this void I was feeling...my future...my goals...what I really wanted out of life (I suppose you call it "soul-searching"), I finally had it...my moment of clarity. And this was it (cue "Ah ha!" moment):

This void, I quickly realized, was love. I guess being without it (and I mean real love) for so long, I had almost forgotten what life was like with it. Of course I've always been blessed with the unconditional love of my family and friends, but what I was lacking was a companion. Someone to share these great moments and experiences with. I have been lucky to have had friends come visit me in the short time that I've been here, and it has only made me realize more that it's not about where you are, but who you're with that truly matters.

I work hard at my job. I work really hard, so I can get to where I want in establishing a career for myself. When I heard about the Chicago office opening within our company, I didn't just sit in my tiny little cubicle and say, "Well if it's meant to be, it will be." No. I applied. I sent follow-up emails to my potential manager. I asked people to put in a good word for me. I busted my ass to do a great job to show my potential for the position. I prepped for a great interview...and I got the job. I then made all the arrangements and made the move. I had made it happen.

I mean, you can sit around all day wishing that you could just win the lottery and have it made for the rest of your life. And God could speak to you and give you those winning numbers you've been praying for that will change your life forever. But all of that doesn't matter if you don't buy the lottery ticket. So why should love be any different??

I believe that God is the light that leads us to the path of righteousness. He is the one who blesses us with the opportunities and the abilities and the know-how to accomplish more than what we could ever imagine for ourselves. But I also believe that we are the executioners of our own destiny. "You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone." - James 2:24. And I have prayed about it. I have asked God numerous times to give me some sort of sign as to if this little thing called "love" would be coming into my life in the near future...or ever.

And sometimes God gives us little signs...some so minute that we may not even notice them at first glance. But in my case...it was like a spot light, shining straight down on something I had already known for so long deep down in my heart. But because I had always fallen back on my ridiculous idea of "if it's meant to be...", I had just abandoned it...chalking it up to the fact that because of the constant physical distance, it could never be. And even after being knocked over the head with these signs, I was still hesitant. I was falling back into old habits and mentalities. I was scared that this was turning me into a person I swore I would never become. That girl that I rolled my eyes over while thinking "what a naive and weak little girl"...the girl who changed her life for a man. But I was the naive one all along...

I always thought that if you sacrificed any part of your life for a partner, you were sacrificing a part of yourself. As if compromising something of worth to me equalled compromising me...and that was just something that I refused to do. It was against everything I was taught...everything that I stood for. But if being with that person is what you ultimately want...is it really a sacrifice?? This is something that has taken me a long time (too long in fact) to understand. I can only be thankful that I figured it out before it was too late. Because although God blesses us with amazing opportunities in life, some of those opportunities come with expiration dates. So we have to take advantage of these times in our lives, because as we all know, life is so incredibly short. Things change, and people won't wait forever. Second chances are a rarity. So if you're lucky enough to be granted a second chance for a once in a lifetime kind of love...you better make damn sure that you do everything within your power to not let it pass you by again. I know I won't... :o)

Something has changed within me, Something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. . .

When you're young, all you do is dream. Your goals are to make plans, and your plans are to make goals. The world seems so big and full of opportunities...and everything appears so attainable: "A doctor? ...Sure. The first female President? ...Why not?" You're fearless and full of life and joy and excitement and hope for the future. Then you get older...and life happens. You become tired and cynical...burned and broken...frustrated and just plain scared sometimes. You start to think about more "practical" things: jobs, spouses, bills, children...and they tell us this is "growing up".

And for the longest time, this was the pattern I saw and actually wanted for myself. I use to draw time lines when I was in high school:

17-graduate high school 21-graduate college/get a job 23-get married 25-have babies
+___________________+_______________________+__________+___________

Again, maybe it was me being naive. Or maybe it's a Southern thing. But this was the life that I had envisioned for myself...and I was ok with that. Hell, I was more than ok with that. And not that I don't think that's a great plan for other people, because it is. And I want all of those things, too...someday. But blinded my immaturity, I failed to see an important factor in this big "plan" I had made for myself...the "in between". People put so much focus on the milestones that they don't even bother to enjoy the journey that it took to get there. Or as I like to call it "the connecting of the dots".

Because think about it...when you were a child (or an adult...I'm not judging), and you use to play in those little books with the word searches and connect-the-dots, you could look at the dots and kind of have an idea of what the whole picture would turn out like, but you couldn't know for sure...until you connected them. In my crazy little mind, the milestones are the "dots" in life. Of course they're important, because they give us goals and a big picture, if you will, to aim for and aspire to achieve. But the most exciting part of it all is the connecting of those dots with the "in between" and unveiling the journey that is our life one line at a time. We spend so much time worried and consumed in getting from point A to point B to point C that we can't even enjoy our lives in the present moment for what they are. And again, there is nothing wrong with living your life by the aforementioned timeline. But if those are the only things you're concerned with throughout your entire life, then your connect-the-dots may look a little something like this: []

And I prefer to live outside the box. :o)

Which is why I made the decision to move to Chicago. Of course I've always had a deep connection and love for this city. It's so full life and excitement and culture and passion and diversity...a lot of things I felt as though I was lacking in my life. Not that my life has ever been dull or boring by any means. I've been so blessed throughout my life to have always had great family and amazing friends surrounding me and supporting me. I've had so many wonderful times and memories just over the past few years that I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life. That's what was so hard about making this decision. For most people who are making a huge life change, it's usually because they're running away from something bad. But not me. I had a good job, great friends, and an ideal living situation. I really didn't have anything to complain about. And as independent and adventurous as I like to think that I am (and I am), I always find myself falling into the "comfort zone". I went to the same small high school K-12. I went to a smaller university and hung out with pretty much the same group of people for 5 years. And I was starting to get "comfortable" in Birmingham and could see myself settling down there...and that scared the shit out of me. I actually looked up the word "comfortable", and some synonyms included: complacent, content, sheltered, easy...and I don't want that to be my life.

Because after my last relationship (of a looong, consistent string of them), I vowed to myself that I would, for the first time ever, take some time out for me. And I've kept pretty good on that promise thus far. But one night while I was lying in bed, I decided to make a "bucket list" of things I wanted to do. But unlike most bucket lists, where people make a list of things they want to do before they die, mine was a bucket list of things I want to do before I'm 30. So I started writing:

-Live in Chicago
-See a movie in the theatre by myself
-Pet a penguin
-Take a trip to Europe
-Lay on the beaches of both east and west coast
-Skydive
-Do something that really makes a difference

And the more I started thinking about these things, more I thought, "I've got to get the hell out of here." And again, not that there was anything wrong with where I was...I just couldn't do all of these things if I stayed. So when the opportunity arose for me to apply for the Chicago position, I honestly was not 100% sure that I was ready for this...ready to leave everything and everyone I knew...ready to start over in a big city...ready to make a new life for myself. And I'll never forget receiving the phone call from my new manager officially offering me the position. It was the greatest and most overwhelming feeling of joy I think I might have ever experienced...immediately followed by the biggest wave of total and complete fear I have ever felt in my life. And even in the weeks leading up to my move, I questioned every day if I was making the right choice. Because for those of you who know me, I don't fare well with rejection or failure, nor do I put myself out there to be completely vulnerable. But I knew if I didn't do it now...if I didn't take the chance that maybe, just maybe, this could be exactly what I need to hurl myself forward to reach the amazing potential that is my life. Because if we aren't living up to our full potential as siblings, as friends, as parents, as lovers, as human beings...then what the hell are we doing??

So this is me taking leaps and bounds outside of my "comfort zone". This is one of the many lines I have chosen to draw for myself to connect my "dots". I may not being doing it "the right way" or the way I had initially imagined it or by other people's rules, but hey.....at least I'm doing it.