25. I keep saying it to myself over and over again. Usually it's followed by questions such as: "How did I get here?"..."How did time fly so quickly?" People refer to it as a "milestone birthday". I suppose this is accurate. 25 is suppose to be that point in your life where you're really starting to figure it all out...your career path, your love life, or really just life in general. You've lived a little...experienced the good, the bad, and the worse. You've had relationships that have changed you for the better and some that have left you scarred. You're finally getting a grasp on what you want, or maybe more so what you don't want. But for me personally...what I've learned more about in my 25 years can be summed up with just 1 word...priorities.
You see, I was raised by a strong, independent woman who I have the greatest honor of calling my mother...who was also raised by an equally strong and independent woman, my grandmother. I was brought up to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. Add that to the stubbornness I no doubtedly inherited from my father, and you have a recipe for a young girl who's full of hopes and dreams that will not be deterred by any naysayers.
And I knew at a young age what I ultimately wanted. Sure, I wanted a husband and family some day, but I had much bigger dreams of life in a big city...as most youngens do from little southern towns. I wanted to be bigger than that...better. And thankfully I had the support of my family to help me believe that if I wanted it badly enough and worked hard, I could do it. I've been told in the past that this mentality that I have comes off as somewhat selfish...and maybe it is. My "this is what I want, so I'm going to do it with no apologies" attitude has definitely been the downfall of some of my past relationships. And that, although it hurt, was something I was willing to accept. A sacrifice I was willing to make. Because at that time, what I wanted...me...that was my priority. So when the opportunity finally presented itself to live in my dream city, I jumped on it. I was finally here.
But something was missing. I initially attributed it becoming accustomed to all the changes...the not so familiar area...not knowing that many people...a tinge of homesickness. Don't get me wrong. I love this city, and I don't regret making this change. It was a change that I had wanted...and in a way so desperately needed, and I wouldn't take it back for the world. But there was still a void there...somewhere...but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
My priorities have always usually been in this particular order:
1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Work
5. "Me time"
6. Love life
As you can see, relationships were the last thing on the list. I figured if I had the other five, #6 was practically irrelevant. I had always approached relationships with that age-old cliche of "If it's meant to be, it will be". I figured, "Hey, if God wants me to marry someone, he'll surely drop my future husband into my lap, and that will be that." Maybe this is how I truly felt...or maybe it was just an excuse for why every relationship I ever had didn't work out. "It wasn't perfect...it wasn't easy...so it must not have been meant to be." I realize now just how absolutely ridiculous that notion is.
So in spending some serious time thinking about this void I was feeling...my future...my goals...what I really wanted out of life (I suppose you call it "soul-searching"), I finally had it...my moment of clarity. And this was it (cue "Ah ha!" moment):
This void, I quickly realized, was love. I guess being without it (and I mean real love) for so long, I had almost forgotten what life was like with it. Of course I've always been blessed with the unconditional love of my family and friends, but what I was lacking was a companion. Someone to share these great moments and experiences with. I have been lucky to have had friends come visit me in the short time that I've been here, and it has only made me realize more that it's not about where you are, but who you're with that truly matters.
I work hard at my job. I work really hard, so I can get to where I want in establishing a career for myself. When I heard about the Chicago office opening within our company, I didn't just sit in my tiny little cubicle and say, "Well if it's meant to be, it will be." No. I applied. I sent follow-up emails to my potential manager. I asked people to put in a good word for me. I busted my ass to do a great job to show my potential for the position. I prepped for a great interview...and I got the job. I then made all the arrangements and made the move. I had made it happen.
I mean, you can sit around all day wishing that you could just win the lottery and have it made for the rest of your life. And God could speak to you and give you those winning numbers you've been praying for that will change your life forever. But all of that doesn't matter if you don't buy the lottery ticket. So why should love be any different??
I believe that God is the light that leads us to the path of righteousness. He is the one who blesses us with the opportunities and the abilities and the know-how to accomplish more than what we could ever imagine for ourselves. But I also believe that we are the executioners of our own destiny. "You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone." - James 2:24. And I have prayed about it. I have asked God numerous times to give me some sort of sign as to if this little thing called "love" would be coming into my life in the near future...or ever.
And sometimes God gives us little signs...some so minute that we may not even notice them at first glance. But in my case...it was like a spot light, shining straight down on something I had already known for so long deep down in my heart. But because I had always fallen back on my ridiculous idea of "if it's meant to be...", I had just abandoned it...chalking it up to the fact that because of the constant physical distance, it could never be. And even after being knocked over the head with these signs, I was still hesitant. I was falling back into old habits and mentalities. I was scared that this was turning me into a person I swore I would never become. That girl that I rolled my eyes over while thinking "what a naive and weak little girl"...the girl who changed her life for a man. But I was the naive one all along...
I always thought that if you sacrificed any part of your life for a partner, you were sacrificing a part of yourself. As if compromising something of worth to me equalled compromising me...and that was just something that I refused to do. It was against everything I was taught...everything that I stood for. But if being with that person is what you ultimately want...is it really a sacrifice?? This is something that has taken me a long time (too long in fact) to understand. I can only be thankful that I figured it out before it was too late. Because although God blesses us with amazing opportunities in life, some of those opportunities come with expiration dates. So we have to take advantage of these times in our lives, because as we all know, life is so incredibly short. Things change, and people won't wait forever. Second chances are a rarity. So if you're lucky enough to be granted a second chance for a once in a lifetime kind of love...you better make damn sure that you do everything within your power to not let it pass you by again. I know I won't... :o)
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