I've Made Up My Mind, I Ain't Wastin' No More Time...

Well, I did it. No more city life...no more 450sq ft of heaven...no more deep dish pizza. I have officially closed the chapter that is Chicago. (Or if I were writing a novel based on my life, I would aptly name it "Hot Child in the City") Over the past month in preparation of this move, I experienced mixed emotions. Part of me was excited and overjoyed...another part was scared and down right sad. But isn't that life though? We're always going to be faced with big decisions...and not all of them are going to be black and white or without some drawbacks.

This decision I was faced with wasn't just a matter of "Chicago vs Boyfriend"...there were so many things that went along with it. Not only would I be giving up my favorite city, but I would also be giving up my job, my health care, my free car/gas, my friends, and this life that I had spent a year building up from nothing. All of this to move to a city (state, rather) where I have never lived, with no job, no real friends of my own, and to be financially dependant on someone for the first time in my adult(ish) life.

Believe me...I fully understand that this sounds borderline insane in writing, and if someone else were to tell me this, I would probably tell them that they're being an idiot...as my father did several (hundred) times. I get it. But what outweighs all of this is something that cannot be articulated. First of all, I hated my job. I was grateful for it, and I loved the people I worked with...but I hated my job. And let me tell you for those who are lucky enough to not know, waking up every day dreading to go work is something you never want to experience. And it takes a toll on your mind, body, and soul. I want to do something that will help people...that will make a positive difference in this world. And I'll just say...that ain't it.

But mostly, it's because of him. Or actually, the absence of him. For those who know me, it's no secret that I'm an emotional (or overly-emotional) person. I thought I had experienced every feeling that a human being could possibly endure. But over the past year I felt something that I had never felt before...longing. I don't know any other way to describe it except that it feels like a part of you is missing. I'm not exaggerating when I say that my heart would physically hurt at times when I thought of him. It was as though we were tethered together, and the growing distance between us put a strain on my heart. Those feelings alone silenced any doubts I may have had about the decision I had made.

And although I had a majority of support from my amazing friends and family, there were a few that were completely disappointed with my choice. I spent weeks trying to explain myself and justify to them why I was doing the right thing. Then it hit me...I've preached several times (via blog and otherwise) that you have to live your life the way you want to live it. No excuses or justifications needed. I finally said, "I could tell you a hundred reasons why I'm doing this, but ultimately...it's just because I want to." And really...are any other reasons necessary?? Didn't think so.

So here I am...in the guest bedroom of my house in Alabama. Unemployed. Driving my own car with gas that I have to actually pay for. Yes, it's only temporary...but it's still scary, and I know the road ahead isn't going to be easy for a while. And maybe we should have waited. Maybe the timing isn't perfect. But will it really ever be?

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."

I like to equate it to running a marathon --

You train for months, maybe even years for this race. You start off great, but as time goes by you're finding it harder and harder to keep hope that you're ever going to reach the finish line. You have your ups and your downs. Days where you feel on top of the world and days where you just want to give up. But then you find yourself in this dark tunnel...and you finally see it up ahead. It's a ways away, but it's now within sight. Are you going to walk it the rest of the way? Or are you going to muster up all you have left and sprint towards that light? I chose to run like hell.

I heard a quote many years ago, and honestly...I always thought it was dumb. But I now realize that it was only because I had just never felt that way before. And now I empathize with it more than ever --

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." ~ When Harry Met Sally

So yes, I've given up a lot. I've had to make sacrifices. But I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't absolutely sure that I am gaining so incredibly much more. I am more than ready to begin this beautiful new chapter and build an amazing life with the love of my life. We may not have much, but at least we'll have each other...and that's more than enough for me.

"Even after all these years, We've just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time..."