25. I keep saying it to myself over and over again. Usually it's followed by questions such as: "How did I get here?"..."How did time fly so quickly?" People refer to it as a "milestone birthday". I suppose this is accurate. 25 is suppose to be that point in your life where you're really starting to figure it all out...your career path, your love life, or really just life in general. You've lived a little...experienced the good, the bad, and the worse. You've had relationships that have changed you for the better and some that have left you scarred. You're finally getting a grasp on what you want, or maybe more so what you don't want. But for me personally...what I've learned more about in my 25 years can be summed up with just 1 word...priorities.
You see, I was raised by a strong, independent woman who I have the greatest honor of calling my mother...who was also raised by an equally strong and independent woman, my grandmother. I was brought up to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. Add that to the stubbornness I no doubtedly inherited from my father, and you have a recipe for a young girl who's full of hopes and dreams that will not be deterred by any naysayers.
And I knew at a young age what I ultimately wanted. Sure, I wanted a husband and family some day, but I had much bigger dreams of life in a big city...as most youngens do from little southern towns. I wanted to be bigger than that...better. And thankfully I had the support of my family to help me believe that if I wanted it badly enough and worked hard, I could do it. I've been told in the past that this mentality that I have comes off as somewhat selfish...and maybe it is. My "this is what I want, so I'm going to do it with no apologies" attitude has definitely been the downfall of some of my past relationships. And that, although it hurt, was something I was willing to accept. A sacrifice I was willing to make. Because at that time, what I wanted...me...that was my priority. So when the opportunity finally presented itself to live in my dream city, I jumped on it. I was finally here.
But something was missing. I initially attributed it becoming accustomed to all the changes...the not so familiar area...not knowing that many people...a tinge of homesickness. Don't get me wrong. I love this city, and I don't regret making this change. It was a change that I had wanted...and in a way so desperately needed, and I wouldn't take it back for the world. But there was still a void there...somewhere...but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
My priorities have always usually been in this particular order:
1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Work
5. "Me time"
6. Love life
As you can see, relationships were the last thing on the list. I figured if I had the other five, #6 was practically irrelevant. I had always approached relationships with that age-old cliche of "If it's meant to be, it will be". I figured, "Hey, if God wants me to marry someone, he'll surely drop my future husband into my lap, and that will be that." Maybe this is how I truly felt...or maybe it was just an excuse for why every relationship I ever had didn't work out. "It wasn't perfect...it wasn't easy...so it must not have been meant to be." I realize now just how absolutely ridiculous that notion is.
So in spending some serious time thinking about this void I was feeling...my future...my goals...what I really wanted out of life (I suppose you call it "soul-searching"), I finally had it...my moment of clarity. And this was it (cue "Ah ha!" moment):
This void, I quickly realized, was love. I guess being without it (and I mean real love) for so long, I had almost forgotten what life was like with it. Of course I've always been blessed with the unconditional love of my family and friends, but what I was lacking was a companion. Someone to share these great moments and experiences with. I have been lucky to have had friends come visit me in the short time that I've been here, and it has only made me realize more that it's not about where you are, but who you're with that truly matters.
I work hard at my job. I work really hard, so I can get to where I want in establishing a career for myself. When I heard about the Chicago office opening within our company, I didn't just sit in my tiny little cubicle and say, "Well if it's meant to be, it will be." No. I applied. I sent follow-up emails to my potential manager. I asked people to put in a good word for me. I busted my ass to do a great job to show my potential for the position. I prepped for a great interview...and I got the job. I then made all the arrangements and made the move. I had made it happen.
I mean, you can sit around all day wishing that you could just win the lottery and have it made for the rest of your life. And God could speak to you and give you those winning numbers you've been praying for that will change your life forever. But all of that doesn't matter if you don't buy the lottery ticket. So why should love be any different??
I believe that God is the light that leads us to the path of righteousness. He is the one who blesses us with the opportunities and the abilities and the know-how to accomplish more than what we could ever imagine for ourselves. But I also believe that we are the executioners of our own destiny. "You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone." - James 2:24. And I have prayed about it. I have asked God numerous times to give me some sort of sign as to if this little thing called "love" would be coming into my life in the near future...or ever.
And sometimes God gives us little signs...some so minute that we may not even notice them at first glance. But in my case...it was like a spot light, shining straight down on something I had already known for so long deep down in my heart. But because I had always fallen back on my ridiculous idea of "if it's meant to be...", I had just abandoned it...chalking it up to the fact that because of the constant physical distance, it could never be. And even after being knocked over the head with these signs, I was still hesitant. I was falling back into old habits and mentalities. I was scared that this was turning me into a person I swore I would never become. That girl that I rolled my eyes over while thinking "what a naive and weak little girl"...the girl who changed her life for a man. But I was the naive one all along...
I always thought that if you sacrificed any part of your life for a partner, you were sacrificing a part of yourself. As if compromising something of worth to me equalled compromising me...and that was just something that I refused to do. It was against everything I was taught...everything that I stood for. But if being with that person is what you ultimately want...is it really a sacrifice?? This is something that has taken me a long time (too long in fact) to understand. I can only be thankful that I figured it out before it was too late. Because although God blesses us with amazing opportunities in life, some of those opportunities come with expiration dates. So we have to take advantage of these times in our lives, because as we all know, life is so incredibly short. Things change, and people won't wait forever. Second chances are a rarity. So if you're lucky enough to be granted a second chance for a once in a lifetime kind of love...you better make damn sure that you do everything within your power to not let it pass you by again. I know I won't... :o)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Something has changed within me, Something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. . .
When you're young, all you do is dream. Your goals are to make plans, and your plans are to make goals. The world seems so big and full of opportunities...and everything appears so attainable: "A doctor? ...Sure. The first female President? ...Why not?" You're fearless and full of life and joy and excitement and hope for the future. Then you get older...and life happens. You become tired and cynical...burned and broken...frustrated and just plain scared sometimes. You start to think about more "practical" things: jobs, spouses, bills, children...and they tell us this is "growing up".
And for the longest time, this was the pattern I saw and actually wanted for myself. I use to draw time lines when I was in high school:
17-graduate high school 21-graduate college/get a job 23-get married 25-have babies
+___________________+_______________________+__________+___________
Again, maybe it was me being naive. Or maybe it's a Southern thing. But this was the life that I had envisioned for myself...and I was ok with that. Hell, I was more than ok with that. And not that I don't think that's a great plan for other people, because it is. And I want all of those things, too...someday. But blinded my immaturity, I failed to see an important factor in this big "plan" I had made for myself...the "in between". People put so much focus on the milestones that they don't even bother to enjoy the journey that it took to get there. Or as I like to call it "the connecting of the dots".
Because think about it...when you were a child (or an adult...I'm not judging), and you use to play in those little books with the word searches and connect-the-dots, you could look at the dots and kind of have an idea of what the whole picture would turn out like, but you couldn't know for sure...until you connected them. In my crazy little mind, the milestones are the "dots" in life. Of course they're important, because they give us goals and a big picture, if you will, to aim for and aspire to achieve. But the most exciting part of it all is the connecting of those dots with the "in between" and unveiling the journey that is our life one line at a time. We spend so much time worried and consumed in getting from point A to point B to point C that we can't even enjoy our lives in the present moment for what they are. And again, there is nothing wrong with living your life by the aforementioned timeline. But if those are the only things you're concerned with throughout your entire life, then your connect-the-dots may look a little something like this: []
And I prefer to live outside the box. :o)
Which is why I made the decision to move to Chicago. Of course I've always had a deep connection and love for this city. It's so full life and excitement and culture and passion and diversity...a lot of things I felt as though I was lacking in my life. Not that my life has ever been dull or boring by any means. I've been so blessed throughout my life to have always had great family and amazing friends surrounding me and supporting me. I've had so many wonderful times and memories just over the past few years that I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life. That's what was so hard about making this decision. For most people who are making a huge life change, it's usually because they're running away from something bad. But not me. I had a good job, great friends, and an ideal living situation. I really didn't have anything to complain about. And as independent and adventurous as I like to think that I am (and I am), I always find myself falling into the "comfort zone". I went to the same small high school K-12. I went to a smaller university and hung out with pretty much the same group of people for 5 years. And I was starting to get "comfortable" in Birmingham and could see myself settling down there...and that scared the shit out of me. I actually looked up the word "comfortable", and some synonyms included: complacent, content, sheltered, easy...and I don't want that to be my life.
Because after my last relationship (of a looong, consistent string of them), I vowed to myself that I would, for the first time ever, take some time out for me. And I've kept pretty good on that promise thus far. But one night while I was lying in bed, I decided to make a "bucket list" of things I wanted to do. But unlike most bucket lists, where people make a list of things they want to do before they die, mine was a bucket list of things I want to do before I'm 30. So I started writing:
-Live in Chicago
-See a movie in the theatre by myself
-Pet a penguin
-Take a trip to Europe
-Lay on the beaches of both east and west coast
-Skydive
-Do something that really makes a difference
And the more I started thinking about these things, more I thought, "I've got to get the hell out of here." And again, not that there was anything wrong with where I was...I just couldn't do all of these things if I stayed. So when the opportunity arose for me to apply for the Chicago position, I honestly was not 100% sure that I was ready for this...ready to leave everything and everyone I knew...ready to start over in a big city...ready to make a new life for myself. And I'll never forget receiving the phone call from my new manager officially offering me the position. It was the greatest and most overwhelming feeling of joy I think I might have ever experienced...immediately followed by the biggest wave of total and complete fear I have ever felt in my life. And even in the weeks leading up to my move, I questioned every day if I was making the right choice. Because for those of you who know me, I don't fare well with rejection or failure, nor do I put myself out there to be completely vulnerable. But I knew if I didn't do it now...if I didn't take the chance that maybe, just maybe, this could be exactly what I need to hurl myself forward to reach the amazing potential that is my life. Because if we aren't living up to our full potential as siblings, as friends, as parents, as lovers, as human beings...then what the hell are we doing??
So this is me taking leaps and bounds outside of my "comfort zone". This is one of the many lines I have chosen to draw for myself to connect my "dots". I may not being doing it "the right way" or the way I had initially imagined it or by other people's rules, but hey.....at least I'm doing it.
And for the longest time, this was the pattern I saw and actually wanted for myself. I use to draw time lines when I was in high school:
17-graduate high school 21-graduate college/get a job 23-get married 25-have babies
+___________________+_______________________+__________+___________
Again, maybe it was me being naive. Or maybe it's a Southern thing. But this was the life that I had envisioned for myself...and I was ok with that. Hell, I was more than ok with that. And not that I don't think that's a great plan for other people, because it is. And I want all of those things, too...someday. But blinded my immaturity, I failed to see an important factor in this big "plan" I had made for myself...the "in between". People put so much focus on the milestones that they don't even bother to enjoy the journey that it took to get there. Or as I like to call it "the connecting of the dots".
Because think about it...when you were a child (or an adult...I'm not judging), and you use to play in those little books with the word searches and connect-the-dots, you could look at the dots and kind of have an idea of what the whole picture would turn out like, but you couldn't know for sure...until you connected them. In my crazy little mind, the milestones are the "dots" in life. Of course they're important, because they give us goals and a big picture, if you will, to aim for and aspire to achieve. But the most exciting part of it all is the connecting of those dots with the "in between" and unveiling the journey that is our life one line at a time. We spend so much time worried and consumed in getting from point A to point B to point C that we can't even enjoy our lives in the present moment for what they are. And again, there is nothing wrong with living your life by the aforementioned timeline. But if those are the only things you're concerned with throughout your entire life, then your connect-the-dots may look a little something like this: []
And I prefer to live outside the box. :o)
Which is why I made the decision to move to Chicago. Of course I've always had a deep connection and love for this city. It's so full life and excitement and culture and passion and diversity...a lot of things I felt as though I was lacking in my life. Not that my life has ever been dull or boring by any means. I've been so blessed throughout my life to have always had great family and amazing friends surrounding me and supporting me. I've had so many wonderful times and memories just over the past few years that I know I will carry with me for the rest of my life. That's what was so hard about making this decision. For most people who are making a huge life change, it's usually because they're running away from something bad. But not me. I had a good job, great friends, and an ideal living situation. I really didn't have anything to complain about. And as independent and adventurous as I like to think that I am (and I am), I always find myself falling into the "comfort zone". I went to the same small high school K-12. I went to a smaller university and hung out with pretty much the same group of people for 5 years. And I was starting to get "comfortable" in Birmingham and could see myself settling down there...and that scared the shit out of me. I actually looked up the word "comfortable", and some synonyms included: complacent, content, sheltered, easy...and I don't want that to be my life.
Because after my last relationship (of a looong, consistent string of them), I vowed to myself that I would, for the first time ever, take some time out for me. And I've kept pretty good on that promise thus far. But one night while I was lying in bed, I decided to make a "bucket list" of things I wanted to do. But unlike most bucket lists, where people make a list of things they want to do before they die, mine was a bucket list of things I want to do before I'm 30. So I started writing:
-Live in Chicago
-See a movie in the theatre by myself
-Pet a penguin
-Take a trip to Europe
-Lay on the beaches of both east and west coast
-Skydive
-Do something that really makes a difference
And the more I started thinking about these things, more I thought, "I've got to get the hell out of here." And again, not that there was anything wrong with where I was...I just couldn't do all of these things if I stayed. So when the opportunity arose for me to apply for the Chicago position, I honestly was not 100% sure that I was ready for this...ready to leave everything and everyone I knew...ready to start over in a big city...ready to make a new life for myself. And I'll never forget receiving the phone call from my new manager officially offering me the position. It was the greatest and most overwhelming feeling of joy I think I might have ever experienced...immediately followed by the biggest wave of total and complete fear I have ever felt in my life. And even in the weeks leading up to my move, I questioned every day if I was making the right choice. Because for those of you who know me, I don't fare well with rejection or failure, nor do I put myself out there to be completely vulnerable. But I knew if I didn't do it now...if I didn't take the chance that maybe, just maybe, this could be exactly what I need to hurl myself forward to reach the amazing potential that is my life. Because if we aren't living up to our full potential as siblings, as friends, as parents, as lovers, as human beings...then what the hell are we doing??
So this is me taking leaps and bounds outside of my "comfort zone". This is one of the many lines I have chosen to draw for myself to connect my "dots". I may not being doing it "the right way" or the way I had initially imagined it or by other people's rules, but hey.....at least I'm doing it.
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